Heavy on my Heart

I have something weighing on my heart right now. I keep thinking about it and praying, and I feel like I should share.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been hearing sad, heartbreaking news almost daily. Sometimes it's about family, friends, acquaintances and even from strangers' blogs that I read. But, yesterday was the last straw. My heart is so heavy and my mind doesn't understand.



I have a sweet friend from high school, Lauren Setzler.


We've been friends since the 9th grade. Our group of high school girls has managed to stay in touch and remain close.

(Christmas 2006 at her house)

Lauren is one of my friends that I don't get to see often, but I have never felt disconnected from her. She has one of the best personalities I have ever encountered.

(2008, my bachelorette party)

She is peppy, funny, goofy, smart, athletic, energetic, and steady. She loves everyone, and will always be there for you in a time of need. I'll never forget some of the words of encouragement she gave me 6 years ago when my brother died. She was there for me.

She is an amazingly strong person. I'm thankful for her positive outlook on life and 'fighter' mentality from all of her years of basketball.

Lauren is going to need it.

Yesterday, she was taken to UAMS in Little Rock for a nose bleed that would not stop, and she was also having hip pains. Within hours, she was diagnosed with b-cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

How is that possible? One of our friends called me yesterday to tell me. My brain has been in a fog ever since. It's so hard for me to understand. It's amazing how one day you can be fine and the next you are delivered such hard news.

Later in the day, Lauren started chemo. From what I understand, the goal is to try and kill as many of the leukemic cells as possible to send her into remission. I can't imagine how Lauren feels. Scared, in pain, unsure, overwhelmed.

Lauren is a fighter, like I said. And if I believe that anybody has the attitude to tackle a bad disease, it's Lauren. I believe in her.

Most importantly, I believe in God. All that I know to do right now is pray. I feel helpless and heartbroken for her and her family, but I also know that God has a plan. We may not understand that plan (I know how that feels!), but he does. All we can do is surrender it to him and lift her up in prayers.



Some of the other recent things I've been thinking about:

- My second cousin, Ryan Hobson is 21 years old. He was diagnosed on November 16 with acute myelogenous leukemia. He has been given lots of chemo, too, at UAMS. He has been on my mind every single day. I am praying for Ryan and his family, our extended family.

- Keith's fraternity brother, Brandon Trusell and his sister, Keely were driving home to Fort Smith, Arkansas from Colorado (where he is in med school) for the holidays. They were both killed in a car accident in the bad weather of Kansas the day before Christmas Eve. I have not been able to get my head around this. It is such a tragedy. I don't understand. And, right before Christmas. Why?

-My dear, sweet friend Bekah has been asking for prayers for her grandmother. She is sick and in the hospital and they are all very worried. I know how dear Bekah's "Muh" is to her and the rest of the family. This is hard stuff.




Last night, when I couldn't sleep, my mind just started filling with thoughts and I couldn't stop them. Why do things like this happen? It's not fair. Life can be so hard and unpredictable. We have control over nothing. Would I be strong enough to fight a disease? I don't know.

I talked to Keith about this for awhile. When I hear about bad things that happen to others, I react like we all do - shock, sadness, sympathy, unable to comprehend. The thing is, I've been that person. We've been that family. You know, the ones you feel sorry for. And that doesn't make it any easier for me to digest or understand things. People always say "I don't know what I'd do if"..... Well, when that 'if' happens, I think you don't know how you're doing it, but somehow you keep breathing and living.

Every one's situation is completely different and it would be wrong of me to say "I understand." But, I do know what it's like to be in a place of unimaginable heartbreak and pain. And I know that people don't know what to say to you. I know they feel helpless. They want to say the right things. They want to do something.
From my experience, there are only 3 things you (we) can do, when something hard happens:

1) Pray. Pray without ceasing. Pray even if you don't know what to say. This is the best thing you can do for that person.

2) Be there. Encourage. Send notes. What might possibly comfort them now? There are no magical words. In fact, people can say some awful things in a tough time, but I don't think they realize it. Your presence alone will speak volumes.

3) Continue to support them. In the days just after something bad happens, there is an influx of support. But, over time, people move on and you hear less from them, less visitors, less cards, etc. In the days and weeks following my brother's death, I was in a haze. But, the few friends that checked on me with genuine concern in the months, even years, later have left such an imprint in my life.



I guess it's situations like this that remind us how fragile life is. We all know the things we should be doing: not taking anything for granted, forgiving, loving and laughing more, not being materialistic, seizing the day, being positive, stop saying negative things about others, embracing life, etc.

Those are all wonderful things that I wish I was better at. I have to constantly challenge myself and re-prioritize. It's easy in the day-to-day stuff to get worried about small things, to get frustrated easily, and to complain about something as petty as dirty dishes in the sink. And it seems in the times that we feel pain or sadness that we realize the important things in life. Like a reality check.

I also don't want to live my life in fear. I have a tendency to rack my brain with thoughts of "what if." It seems in our world something can go wrong with just about everything. But, living in fear is not healthy. I can't refuse to drive for fear of car wrecks, or not touch anything because of germs. I shouldn't freak out anytime a loved one is traveling or doesn't answer their phone right when I call. Filling my head with thoughts of the worst possible scenario is just Satan trying to attack me.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 27:1

God has a plan. I have to put my life in his hands. I don't have control. He does. This is the reason for my hope.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

So, I'll stop rambling, but I just had to put my thoughts in writing! Please pray for Lauren Kay Setzler, and the others I mentioned above.

I promise my next post will be lighter, maybe a recipe!?