Today marks the 8th year that my little brother Kyle has not been on this Earth. Eight years ago today was the worst day of our lives, and yet the most bittersweet of his. Pain and sadness don't even begin to capture the way it feels to hear news like that.
Your heart is ripped from your chest and you're gasping for air. I have fleeting memories of those moments on that Sunday in 2003. I think my body physically rejected the thought that this was possible....that a car wreck would take his life at the young age of 16.
Kyle's 16th Birthday in 2002 - his last
This is a photo my dad took of my a few days later. He was taking pictures of all of the flowers that had been sent. I remember being so angry. Angry about everything. Angry about this photo.
The hours and days that followed are a blur, with the months to come being the hardest. We were and still are so blessed to be loved by so many. The outpouring of support and prayers blew us away. Without others to lean on, we would have been lost. Without our faith, we would have no hope.
A day or two later, we woke up to find orange balloons lining our sidewalk. Orange was Kyle's favorite color.
Kyle was loved by so many people.
Especially by me.
We were 15 months apart. As kids, we did everything together and were often dressed alike. We had a wonderful childhood with loving parents. There were many vacations, weekends on the lake and birthday parties, made extra special by mom.
We fought like crazy, too. I thought he was extremely obnoxious and he did everything he could to set me off. Typical sibling stuff. I would say that I regret every fight, but I don't. I look back now and laugh at our ridiculousness.
Our last photo together
In our teenage years, we became really close as friends. My heart breaks, selfishly, for all of the memories we didn't get to make together. I could make a long, long list of the things I would have loved to have seen him do, or do together. I have to remember that he isn't missing anything though. He is here in our hearts and I can only imagine what he is experiencing now.
The best caption for this photo is: HAIR!
This is one of those life things that happens to other people, and you're so sad for them, but you don't expect it for yourself. We all often say 'I don't know what I would do if that happened to me,' whether it be a death, cancer, injury, etc.
Well, it happened. I didn't know what I would do. I don't know what I did. But, here I am, breathing and living. I knew immediately that I had a choice, and a fork in the road. I could spend the rest of my life angry, bitter, resentful, depressed, and sad. Or, I could try to make the rest of my life count. Kyle wouldn't want me to be sad all of the time. So, I soldiered on and I try to honor his memory.
I miss him all the time. I think of him every day. I'm thankful that time has brought peace to my heart. But, I'm sad with each passing year as those vivid memories become fuzzy around the corners. I'm thankful for my parents and their strength, and that I can say with confidence that we are all okay. And, we are blessed richly.
Dad tied all of Kyle's ties for parties
Kyle and I were in a wedding when we were little. I love the fruit punch rim on his upper lip!
Kyle with my sister, Jennifer on her wedding day in August, 2002
On this day, we have a bigger lump in our throats than normal. It's painful, of course.
Flowers my Dad sent Mom today.
We smile at our memories of Kyle. We cry because it's still sometimes unbelievable. We pray for the day we'll see him again and hug his neck.
In the meantime, I love you, little brother. I know you're here and messing with the lights. Thanks for the sign :) Save a place for me, and I'll see you soon.
-Big sister
PS - Thank you to my friends who give me love and support every day, including the readers of this blog. I know I don't typically go this personal here, so thanks for reading and commenting, whether it be on a recipe or a personal reflection. Thank you.
23 responses. Leave a Comment!:
This was a great post to read. While this day will never be easy for you and your family it's very touching to see how your living your life to honor him. It makes me think about how my brother and I should be closer because you never know what the day will bring.
Thanks for sharing Kendall. It was a beautifully written post about your brother. I think it was an amazing way to honor him today. While I have no idea the pain you must feel, I am so sorry for your loss.
Beautiful post reflecting on such a difficult time. May you and your family be blessed as you remember and reflect during this holiday season.
Anita
www.feedingmypickyeaters.blogspot.com
I remember reading "this" post last year and it's just as beautiful now as it was reading about your brother for the first time. I think that as trivial as something like blogging may seem, it truly is quite an amazing and wonderful thing that in spite of your brothers passing 8 years ago, through your blog people like myself get to "meet" him and know him through you. That even though his presence is not here with you on earth, he can still have an impact on many lives and he is not only NOT forgotten but also a new "friendly face" that I know through a blogging friend. I'm thankful that you share about him and that I've had the opportunity to know him through "Keeping Up With The Joneses". xo.
Hi Kendall, you don't know me, I'm one of your followers. I was in tears as I was reading your beautiful post. What a great way to honor your brother. I lost my soul sister 16 years ago and know the loss of a loved one is never easy and we never get over it; We learn to live with it. Thank you for sharing.
What a beautiful tribute to your sweet brother. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Thank you for sharing this today.
This post breaks my heart, but how strong you are is amazing! I know how hard losing someone is and it's terrible. I'm certain he is happy and at the lady you are and your bright spirit, Kendall! Prayers for your family during this holiday!
Thinking of you today, Kendall. Kyle is one lucky fella to have a sister like you!
Cara
We just lost my grandmother in a car accident 2 weeks ago. It was the first time I'd ever lost anyone close to me. I think the hardest part about it all, is not knowing it's coming. I too, am carrying a heavier heart this Holiday season. This will be my first Thanksgiving/Christmas without her, ever! I will be thinking of you and praying for you.
I don't usually comment, but I just had to on this post. So beautifully written. And I do often say "I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me". But it will happen to all of us at some point. Your words are so heartfelt and touched me deeply. I teared up reading it as I can only imagine your pain and how difficult this time of year can be. Even through all of it you remain positive and thankful for what you do have and the time you spent with him. I thank YOU for this post today.
Beautiful post, Kendall. Thanks for sharing a bit of your brother with us here. Will be praying for you and yours today and throughout the holidays.
Every year I read these posts with a lump in my throat. But I'm thankful you continue to honor your brother. You are amazing, resilient and an incredible sister. Missing you.
Dear Kendall, I remember reading this post last year and tearing up.... In August my Dad died unexpectedly and I never realized one could experience so much pain and anger. I try to explain it all the time but always am at a loss for words.... You explained this and honored your brother so well. This is so good and healthy for me to see--and what I love most is how you said you could be angry but have chose to soldier on and honor his memory. That is what I am trying to do... Push through these hard days. It will be a tough though year with the holidays, my wedding, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, but I will continue to soldier on sister......thanks again for this post Kendall. Means a lot!! -Katy
Kendall, you probably didn't know at the time, but after Sam's passing and then Kyle's, the news was very difficult especially for my brother and father. My dad was grieving I think more than he realized and went to work the week after Kyle passed and was out walking a job site when he couldn't walk anymore and had severe chest pain. He was rushed to the hospital to find he had over 90% blockage in his arteries and almost had a massive heart attack. He had a stent placed in his heart. Thankfully, we are blessed that he is still with us today. It's crazy what mental grief can do to people physically! I just wanted you to know that you are an inspiration to many people. I love your blog! Thankful you and your family are doing okay and keeping the memories of Kyle alive.
Wonderfully written. I thank you for your words and your kind heart. I know I'll hug my brother a little tighter this weekend because of reading this Hugs to you, Christina (Higgins) Wright.
What a touching post - my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I'm sure your brother would be so proud of his big sister. You will see each other again someday!
Kendall, beautiful words. Much love to all of you this day. Donna Hall
What a beautiful post! I am currently "irritated" at my brother, and your post made me realize that it's not worth it. Even though we fight, we have fun too :) Thanks for sharing this :)
This was beautifully written Kendall. I've tried to write about my dad many times, but I never feel like what I can manage to say is worthy of expressing how amazing he was or how much we miss him. You've done your brother justice through your words here.
I ope you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving :)
I was so very touched by your blog. I, too, lost my only sibling, my little brother, to a sudden death. It has been 11 years now, but I will never forget that moment. Memories are such wonderful gifts. They keep them so close to our hearts! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving ~
Wow, Kendall that was an awesome post that really showed how much you cared for your brother. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Love you, sweet girl!
This post was so touching. I think your brother would be beyond proud of the sweet things you said about him and the sweet person that you are.
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